Episode #132 Result Responsibility & Allowance

September 9, 2022

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 You are listening to My Freedom Grove podcast with Gretchen Hernandez, episode 132.

Welcome to My Freedom Grove Podcast, your calm space for practical help to get your dream business up and running while being authentically you and taking care of your mental health. I'm your host, Gretchen Hernandez. I'm so glad you're here!


 Hi My Strong Friends.  Are you experiencing a heat wave like we are in California?  Here on the Mendocino Coast we still enjoyed comfortable temperatures in the 70’s.  But we noticed a huge influx of tourists over the Labor Day weekend.  I’m sure they were grateful for the reprieve from the 100+ degree temperatures.

When my husband and I decided to buy a house out here and quit our jobs, the temperature was a big factor.  100+ degree heat and driving through fire to get to our jobs was not good for our mental health.

It was a hard choice to make. We had to consider our extended family.  Our lifestyle result was going to be different than their lifestyle result.  My mother-in-law had a tough transition to accept our result decision.  She loves the heat.  She also has a belief system that includes being born, raised and living out your life, with all your family members, in the same town.

There are parts of that lifestyle result that we really like.  But the conditions of that town didn’t work for us.  We wanted a different result.  The great thing is we get to have my mother-in-laws come visit us on the coast. This week they got to enjoy a reprieve when temperatures rose above 115.  So we may have a different lifestyle result, but it can come in handy.

I think you can tell that today I’m going to talk about Different Results.  And the struggles we may face to allow other people to have different results.  In this episode I’m going to touch on result responsibility in business as well as personal life.

Several of my clients this year had this obstacle in both aspects of their life.  For the last 5 years, I’ve been addressing this obstacle.  I’m going to share some personal stories.  I’m getting courageously vulnerable here.  But, it’s for the benefit of us all.



First let’s talk about result responsibility in business.  This topic is a big obstacle when it comes to business.  Businesses and Entrepreneurs focus on Results.  Specifically:

Are clients getting results?  


Is the Business getting results? 


 Is the entrepreneur and their family getting results?


The Result Obstacle has a couple of components.  First, of course, is defining exactly which result is up for discussion.

The second is who is responsible for achieving that result.


In Podcast Episode #130 Refining Your Niche, I mentioned the Result of your Product/Service.  When we are designing a product or service, we create a process to help the client achieve the result.

With that we’ve taken some responsibility for the result.  It makes sense.  A client pays money to get a result.  We deliver a process that can get the result.  Here’s the question, though.  Can that process guarantee the result 100% of the time?

Obviously, as business owners, we want the answer to be yes.  But is it possible 100% of the time?  No.  Sadly it’s not.



Because the client is in the driver’s seat.  How they drive the car determines their final result.  The most obvious example is a business that rents cars.  It’s a service.  Can they guarantee the client will get to from point A to point B safely 100% of the time.  Not if they have clients that drive while texting, have road rage or are rushing because they didn’t leave on time.

Let me give you another example.  I just lived this experience this week while my Mothers - in - Law were visiting.

A few nights ago we were treated to a 5 Star dinner at a Beautiful Inn on Mendocino Coast.  The setting was gorgeous.  The food was delicious.  The service was impeccable.  My Personal Dining Result was A+.

Another guest was grieving a divorce.  She was in a lot of unresolved pain.  She started drinking heavily.  She had the same environment, the same food, the same service.  Her result was F.  She stopped enjoying the environment, she could care less about the food, and she started being rude to the server and severely disrupted the other guests.  She even went so far as barge into another guest’s room at the Inn and yell in their face.  The Owner of the Inn did his best to de-escalate the situation and calm everyone.  The drunk guest was at risk for being removed by the police for her behavior.  Her result was an F.

This was a true story.  It was heartbreaking to watch.  As a mindset coach I have the tools to help someone that is in emotional pain.  But, I was not her service provider at the moment.  My service was not the car she was driving.

Was the Business Owner responsible for the drunk guest’s result?  No.  She was responsible for how she manages her emotions.  We’ll come back to the business owner’s responsibility in a minute.


First I want to share about my urge to rescue.  I told you I was going to share some personal stories.  So here it goes.

Was I responsible for the divorced guest’s results?  No.  However, I felt the familiar pull to go help her so she could have good results. I wanted to soothe her pain and help her comply with the behavior standards of the Inn.   I also wanted to help the Business Owner, staff and other guests have good results.

I was tempted to give up my A+ results to go help everyone else have their results.


My clients are coaches, healers and educators.  One thing we have in common is our Golden Hearts.  We always want to help other people.

The obstacle is when we assume responsibility for another person’s results because they are not emotionally able to get their own results.


This has been one of my hardest lessons over and over throughout my life.  I was raised with a belief system that I always have to think about how other people feel.

Too many times I self sacrificed for the sake of another person’s results.


Honestly, it jeopardized my mental health to do that.  And at times it jeopardized the Mental Health of other people around me.

The results were never my responsibility.

Just because the other person is not emotionally able to get their result, does not mean it is healthy for someone else to do it for them.

The Rescuer doesn’t have to drown.  Thankfully, my years of self development on this urge helped me to continue enjoying my own A+ results.




Now, let’s get back to the business aspect.  Most business owners I met are very open to feedback.  They want to make their customers happy.  They didn’t go into business to create F results.

Business owners will listen to the feedback and make corrections or improvements as applicable.

But what if the product/service or process was delivered according to their Quality Standards?


Let’s go back to the Owner of the Inn.  That night, everything was perfect.  I had an A+ experience.  The other guests were having an A+ experience.

The Business Owner still had fear.  Fear of what?

The drunk guest had an F result.   The other guests, impacted by the drunk guest, were also having an F result through no fault of the Business Owner.  The Business Owner had done his best to de-escalate the situation.  However, the experience had already happened.  Both sets of guests had access to online review mechanisms. 

The fear of lost business as a result of bad reviews is real.

Have you ever read online reviews that are so out of sync with the other reviews?  I have.  A Business can have hundreds of 5 star reviews and 2-3 1 star reviews.  As a Business Process coach, I read the 1 star reviews to look for process improvements.  Occasionally, there is something legitimate.  Perhaps there was a pipe burst on that day.  But, I typically see a person complaining about all the wonderful features of the product, service or business employees.  They found a negative lens to use.  Those same features are the things that were raved about in the 5 star reviews.

It’s unfortunate.  The business got the negative consequence of somebody’s bad day.

The drunk guest that came to the Inn that night was probably a wonderful person.  She was just going through a very rough patch in her life.  Her result was an F because of the rough patch.

Bad reviews will happen.  It sucks, I know.  It’s not fair.

Ready for the advice?  Hold onto your chair.  Here it comes.

It’s OK to allow others to be wrong about you.

My coach Brooke Castillo helped me adopt that thought.


It’s OK to allow others to be wrong about you. 


You’ll resist this thought at first.  That’s normal.  How can you accept being wrong when you were right?  The secret is you are choosing your good Mental Health over being right.

Righteousness quickly destroys Mental Health.

You are committed to your good Mental Health for your lifetime.  You are not agreeing that you were wrong.  You are allowing them to be wrong about you.  You don’t know their life experiences and pain lens that was in place when they experienced you.

The number of 5 star reviews will pile up. Your potential customers will be able to see the difference.  Plus, there’s a chance the customer with the F result won’t spend the time on a review.




All humans have rough patches.  It’s unavoidable.  It doesn’t matter who they are.  All humans will have a rough patch.  During that time, their lens on everyday activity will be different.


I had a rough patch almost 4 years ago.  Somebody at work said things to me that triggered a trauma response.  I didn’t expect to have a trauma response.  I was having a great day up to that moment.

They didn’t know I had unresolved trauma.  I didn’t know it either.  It’s something invisible and it doesn’t live at the surface.  Unexpected regular stuff can trigger it to come to the surface.  For me, it was like I was living in that old trauma moment.  My reality was warped.  I wasn’t seeing my co-worker for who he really was.  I was interpreting him to be the person that inflicted trauma to me and my family a decade before.

To the outside world, all they could see was my appearance, words and actions.  To some, my reaction didn’t make sense.

My trauma response took several weeks to resolve.  I did not look nor act like the regular me.  As an employee I was devastated.  I was embarrassed.  It could have been so easy for me to assign all the blame to the other employee. Yet I recognized I was having a trauma response. 


I asked the head of our security to watch the video tapes of the incident.  I needed an objective accounting of that event.  Later, in a safe setting for both me and the other employee, I cleared the air.  He was worried about being fired.  I stated up front that I wanted him to keep his job.  That I valued the relationship with him. And that I valued his contributions to the company.  That put him at ease.  I don’t think he was expecting that.


I apologized to him for my emotional response.  I was honest about his actions and how it made me feel.  Then I got courageously vulnerable.  I explained that his words and actions triggered a trauma response.  I protected my privacy.  I shared that I wasn’t going to share my previous traumatic event.  But I wanted him to know that he was not responsible for my emotions.  Because he wasn’t.  I had unresolved trauma.

That day changed everything.  Our relationship grew stronger.  The trust was as strong as iron.  The mutual respect and compassion was amazing.


I took responsibility for my own result.


Not everyone is aware of their own trigger state.  Even fewer are aware that they are having a trauma response.  That’s where allowing others to be wrong about us is especially helpful.  We can recognize that they are in a triggered state, even if they can’t.  We can have compassion.





I’m going to pivot slightly.  Let’s talk about how we like to help others with their results.

Let’s face it.  We care about other humans.  We truly want the best for them.  Sometimes we view their results with heartbreak.

This is true as a business owner thinking about their client. 

This is true of a parent thinking about their children’s results.

This is true of adult children thinking about their aging parent’s results.

This is true of a family member or friend thinking about their loved one’s result.

This is true of an employee thinking about their employer’s or co-worker’s result.

We want different results for them.


Maybe they don’t have a result.  (ex. Homework not done, job not applied for, retirement money not saved, corrective health plan not followed, workplace issues not solved, etc) 


There may be an impending consequence for not creating that result. You don’t want them to experience the negative consequences.

We want them to have a result.  (Secretly we might also worry that we will be blamed or experience negative consequences for their inactions)

So we take on the added responsibility of getting them their results.  We invest our time, money and effort to create a result for that person.

We want a higher quality result for them.

Other times a person has results, but the quality of the result is low, in our opinion. (ex. Low grades or performance, unpleasant living conditions, struggling financially, hating their job, mental or physical health challenges).  Even worse, we may be the one to listen to them complain about their results over and over again.

We want a higher quality result for them.  We want them to be happy and stop complaining.  Secretly we worry people will judge us as a “Bad Person” and blame us for not helping.  Afterall, the person won’t stop complaining about their result.  Other people start looking for the closest related person.  They’ll wonder why someone isn’t helping the person that is complaining.

So, being the Good People that we are, we invest our time, money and effort to either influence the quality of their result or deliver a high quality result for them.


Guess what happens?




Who feels the resentment?


You.  It felt good to help.  Really good.  You may have even received praise for helping.  Or the inevitable “you’re such a good person.  I knew I could count on you.”


But then you start judging them (even if you don’t voice it) for not being able to do it themselves.  Perhaps they didn’t express appreciation. Or even more common, they were angry that you were trying to help them. 

What?  I know, that’s the worst one.  How can someone be angry at you for helping them?  They were complaining.  You fixed it.  Now they are mad at you.

So you start to feel victimized.  Why do you always have to do all the work?  Why do you do it if nobody appreciates it?  If they are angry at you, you may wonder why you even bother.


Here’s a little insight.  According to Dr. Carol Dweck’s book Mindset, when we “rescue” someone we are inadvertently conveying that they are not capable of doing it themselves. 


This delivers a Fixed Mindset Thought “You’re not good enough” right to their doorstep.  Everytime they see the result you delivered on their behalf, it triggers the “you’re not good enough” thought.  Now they are the one feeling resentment.


Yikes!  That was never your intent!


What is codependency?


According to the dictionary, codependency is the excessive emotional or psychological reliance on another person, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.

Unresolved trauma is an invisible illness.  Unprocessed grief is an invisible illness. There are a bunch of illnesses, both visible and invisible, that people experience.  Another word for addiction is Buffering.  Buffering is our way of using something to escape pain and discomfort.   Buffering with overdrinking, overeating, over Facebooking, over Netflixing, overworking, over Video Gaming etc. is a sign of unresolved emotional pain.

Our golden hearts love these people.  We don’t want to see them in emotional pain.  Their buffering will lead to either no results or a different quality of results that may lead to more emotional pain.

We help out of love.

In the Book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, author Melody Beattie shares some harsh truths.  The title starts the discussion.  Stop Controlling Others.


You weren’t intentionally trying to control them, right?

Isn’t Helping a good thing? 

The “AHA” truth is that you are trying to control their results.  Out of love for them.  AND because you want them and the general public to love you as a “good person”.  I know.  It’s hard to hear.  I had to hear it over and over again for the past 5 years.  It completely applied to me.


There are 2 partners in codependency.  Each person is dependent on the other. You’re already familiar with the 1st person…the one that needs help to have a quality result for their own happiness.

The other person is the one with the golden heart.  We are dependent on helping others so we feel loved and needed.

Helping is our buffer.


Helping is our drug of choice.

Helping is our addiction.

We focus on helping others so we feel good.  We escape the opportunity to address and resolve our own pain.

We are really good in professional settings where we help other people with their results.  It’s hard to distinguish the professional line of helping from the addiction of helping others.  


Individuals that are recovering from codependency may temporarily go to the extreme where they don’t want to help anybody.  That’s OK.  It’s part of the recovery process.  Eventually, they will find the healthy balance of helping people professionally and collaboratively, without being codependent.




When you are in a professional role as a coach, healer or educator, breaking the codependency cycle is imperative.


1. Because our clients have to be developed to do things independently.

2. We will burn ourselves out with overworking and getting under compensated

3. Resentment is bad for your Mental & Physical Health



When the vessel that is your heart is full, it doesn’t need somebody else to fill it up.

If the root cause that was driving the codependence was the desire to be loved, fix that.  You have access to 1 person 24/7 that can fulfill that love.  It’s you.  The activities to fill your vessel with love will be different than what you’re used to.  I highly encourage you to relisten to podcast episodes #99 Project Me and #131 Becoming a Published Author.  Both of my interview guests offer books and programs specifically designed for Loving You and Self Care.

Once your vessel is full, you can help people without needing their love in return.  You can just help them with what they ask for.  And you can be fairly compensated for it.  In the past, we would accept their love as currency.  Because we desperately needed it.  That need is now filled.  So you can accept monetary payment that is of equal value to what you provide.


A behavior model that helps me and my clients feel calm about this is the ABC model.  It explains how all humans learn their behavior.

A - Antecedent


B - Behavior


C - Consequence


For those of you already familiar with the Mindset Model (CTFAR)

C - Circumstance  = A - Antecedent


T - Thoughts

F - Feelings            = B - Behavior

A - Actions 


R - Results             = C- Consequence


Go look at the transcript to see a visual of how those line up.


Consequence is just another word for result.


A consequence can be positive, negative or neutral.


For a human to know if they want to change their behavior, they need to experience the consequence.

If the consequence is positive, they choose to keep the same behavior

If the consequence is negative, they choose to change their behavior

If the consequence is neutral, they may keep the same behavior or experiment to see if they can get a positive consequence


When codependence is thrown in the mix, the Golden hearted person swoops in to rescue the person from their consequence.  This action interrupts the learning process of someone being self sufficient.


In fact, their thoughts  readjust to include “it’s OK, my coach/mom/spouse/friend/co-worker will do it for me”.  They get the result they want.  Not because they earned the result.  Rather, because they knew their inaction, words or feelings would motivate you to get into action to create the result.  They learned the wrong behavior.


I encourage you to observe the dynamic.  When you feel compelled to jump in and rescue, which  inactions, words or feelings did the other person express?


Those are your triggers.  You can run a Mindset Model on each of those triggers individually.


C: Person expressed anger about their result

T: I just want peace, I’ll help them

F: Compelled

A: Use your time, money or effort to deliver a result for them

R: You helped yourself get temporary peace and long term resentment and codependence

You can have the result of permanent peace without resentment nor codependence.  You just need a different thought that will align with peaceful feelings and actions that support self love and self care.


The thoughts that help me are my desire for the other person to be self - sufficient, capable and empowered to create any result they want.  And I know if I allow the ABC model to happen without my interference, they will get there.


What if they choose not to put in their time, money, effort to get a result?  What if there is a negative consequence because they didn’t get the result?  What if you are concerned that the negative consequence will also hurt you?  This is a valid concern.

If a negative consequence happens, do your best to ensure they are the ONLY one to experience that negative consequence.  This will help them choose if they want to change their behavior.  Perhaps the consequence is not that bad for them.  Perhaps the money, time and effort to get the result is a larger discomfort than the negative consequence.

There may be times when you are concerned about legal consequences.  Yes, when you have a child under 18 you may be held legally responsible for their actions.  However, there may be times when you are not.  It’s worth doing a Google Search to learn the answer.

The same is true for legal responsibility for a spouse.  Luckily enough, there are plenty of options for safeguards in regard to your spouse.  If you need to, write out a list of all of the consequences you are worried about.  Be very specific about the action/inaction and the consequence.  Then Google your safeguard opportunities.

With the death of my dad in May my siblings and I all wrestled with our lack of relationship with him.  He struggled with some addictions which led to homelessness.  Although he passed from cancer, I felt guilt for not helping him.  It was always in my nature to help people.  Yet when I met him for the first time 15 years ago, I was already supporting many other people.  I chose not to support another person.

During my grief recovery I got curious about legal responsibility for our aging parents.


Legal responsibility about aging parents varies state by state in America.  In most states, there is zero legal obligation for the adult children.  In some states, like California, a law was put on the books in 1973 about the legal obligation.  However, none of the states actually enforced the law.  In fact, California added a law counter to the 1973 law.  It put all legal obligation back on the parent.  


Every adult is responsible for themselves.  Period.

Besides children under 18 and your married spouse, you are not legally responsible for other humans.

What about the Moral Obligation?  Won’t people think you are a bad person?


Here’s the thing….”You are a bad person” is just an optional thought.  All thoughts and beliefs can be challenged.  They can also be optional opinions.

1 person may have the opinion “you’re a bad person” and 99 others will have the thought “the other person needs to be responsible for themselves”.


The only opinion that matters is yours.  And that is still optional.  Why choose an opinion that hurts?

Years back, when I was evaluating codependency, right sized responsibility and boundaries, I realized that I was becoming a bad person when I helped and took on other people’s responsibilities.


I became resentful.


When I was resentful I showed up differently.  Like a bad person.  My resentment was shining through.

If my driving desire was to be a “good person” I had to stop being resentful.  To do that, I had to stop over-helping.

I had to find the balance. Both personally and professionally.

I had to allow people to choose No Result and to choose to live with their consequence.  I could still feel compassion for them.  I didn’t want them to feel the consequences.  But, it was never my choice to make for them.  It was always their choice.  It was up to me to honor their choice and love them anyway.

I had love for my dad, even though we didn’t live in the same Result World. 

There are plenty of services to help him have a different result.  A piece of evidence to support that was that he got an apartment a couple of months before he passed.  The option was always available.  I think his cancer diagnosis may have moved him to the top of the list.  Sadly, he had stage 4 cancer.  He probably had it for years to progress to stage 4.  Which meant, if he had seen a doctor sooner for his symptoms, he would have been diagnosed years ago.  Which meant he could have been in an apartment years ago. 

He’s at peace now.  He had all of his children, including me, surround him with love in his final days.  We are all working through our emotions to get to a peaceful place too.



As professional coaches, healers and educators, we want our clients to have high quality results.  We’ve invested a lot of time, money and effort to create optimum modalities and processes to help people get those high quality results.

Clients still have to do the process if they want the high quality result.  They will also have to invest their time, money and effort to complete the process.

Each person we meet may want the results, but they may not like our processes.

For some, it’s just the process itself.  They are fine with the time, money or effort.  They just want a different modality.  That’s ok.  


For others, they will want the result, they will want our modality, but they don’t want to exert the time, money or effort to fully apply the process.


That’s really hard for golden hearted entrepreneurs.  There will be a temptation to change your process so there is less time, money or effort required for people to get results.


If you can do that, without shifting that time, money or effort onto your shoulders, then go for it.  As a Lean Six Sigma Business Coach, I love helping take waste out of processes.

However, if you are taking it onto your shoulders, you may have a little codependency there. 

If you are giving the result, without them investing the time, it may be a sign. 


Think about certifications where someone can bypass the learning, just take an exam and they get certified)  They have a result…a piece of paper.  But, they don’t have the knowledge and skills from your program.  They don’t have a high quality result.


If you lower your prices substantially so they are willing to pay, it may be a sign.  


You invested your money because your high quality result was worth it.  You were worth it.  Your client is also worth the investment in themselves.  I can speak from personal experience here.  I invested $3600 for 1:1 Grief support.  At the end of our first meeting I was sobbing.  I told her “Thank you for allowing me to matter.”  It sent shock waves through me.  The reality was I allowed me to matter to myself.  I stopped scrimping and taking low cost options.  I wanted a high quality result.  I mattered.  Paying that amount was me taking a stand for myself.


If you lower the amount of effort for them, it may be a sign.


Capability comes from practice.  Confidence comes from doing the thing over and over until they are amazing at it.  I recently compared some coach certification programs.  One program required 6 hours of practice to earn a certification.  Another required 50 hours.  For my Green Belt certification process I had to complete a large process improvement project and deliver tangible results.  I went on to complete more than 20 large scale process improvement projects that saved millions of dollars.  I prefer my high quality results over a fast result with very low quality.

So, wait Gretchen.  Didn’t you say “Allow people to choose a lower quality result?”

Yes, I did.  The caveat is…allow them to choose a lower quality result by using somebody else’s product/service or process.


Your process delivers High Quality results.  You are allowed to filter out people that do not want to put in their time, money or effort to achieve the Quality level you offer.


There are plenty of other businesses out there to help them.


I know, that can be scary.  It’s natural to worry about sales and revenue if you are excluding people.


That’s where you have to trust in Universal Alignment.  When you have self love and pride in your High Quality product/service, the Universe will align you with people that want it.


You don’t have to compromise.  The Universe has your back.

Your business serves those that want a high quality result. Those individuals have already done enough self growth to know they matter.  Or they have had the awakening that it is time to allow themselves to matter.

They are willing to put in the time, money and effort.


They truly want a high quality result for themselves.


Everyone else can still have a healing, growth or educational journey.  It will just be with somebody else.  And that is OK.  You can still love them.  You can still have compassion for them.

The difference in results will be noticable.  That’s ok.  Everyone made the choice that was best for them at the time.

My friends, I know this is tough work to do on your own.  I invested several times in coaches to help me with this work.  It was worth it.  My personal evolution into a new version of myself was worth it.


My final mindset shifts that I repeat are:

“Do not let their results derail my own”


“The opportunity cost to my Mental Health is not worth it”


Results that you will experience as a by product of this work:

*Happier, healthier relationships

*Perfectly scoped products/services and prices

*Plenty of satisfied customers that are driven to get results using your products/services.


If you would like support working through Result Responsibility & Allowance, reach out to me. 1:1 sessions are available for just Life Coaching or the fantastic combo of Business & Life Coaching.  Go to my website as www.myfreedomgrove.com/contact to set up a free consultation.


My friends, go out there and get YOUR results.  Feel the love of your own attention.  You matter.  Have a great week.  I’ll talk with you soon.  Bye-Bye.




 Thank you for listening to My Freedom Grove Podcast. When you are ready to make your dream business a reality and take care of your mental health, I invite you to join the Unshakable Business Co-Lab. This is the mastermind membership you've been waiting for. There's no limits on your imagination, nor your timeline. We're with you every step of the way. To learn more, please visit www.myfreedomgrove.com/join. I'll see you there!


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