You are listening to My Freedom Grove podcast with Gretchen Hernandez, episode 59
Welcome to My Freedom Grove podcast. The all inclusive podcast that teaches mindset and business tools. We'll help you rise as your authentic self. Be unshakable with your emotional freedom and unstoppable in achieving any goal and living your purpose. I'm your host, Gretchen Hernandez. If you want to put your mental health first in life, relationships and business, you've come to the right place.
Hello, may strong friends. What are some new things that you're starting to do this year? Are you starting to do some development activities or work on any of your skillsets? I am going through life coach certification school right now. So many people know that I have an extensive background in business coaching. I've been doing it for more than a decade. And about three years ago, I started to get into all of the life coaching tools and all of the mindset tools.
At the time, I didn't have the funds available for the program that I wanted to go through for certification. So instead I studied it so thoroughly, I watched my favorite coach in action to learn how she did it all. And then I practiced on myself. I practiced with willing clients and I got pretty good at it, but I always wanted to go back and work on my skills even more so now that I have a business up and running, I've proven it to myself that I am capable of doing this entrepreneur thing. I thought, okay, now I'm going to take the big bucks and invested into this certification program. It's not cheap. Let me tell you, but it's so worth it to me to make sure that my skills are right on point so that I can help my clients the best way possible.
It's pretty intensive. It's like six months long and then certification. I'm going through the life coach school because I had the best results for my own personal life and my own mental health. By using the tools that Brooke Castillo taught me. I sincerely believe that the life coach school is the best place to go and get certified in life coaching. So anyone out there, that's also interested in life coach certification, and you want the good stuff, the tools that are really going to work and be effective, go to the life coach school and check it out.
Now back to our episode today. So this year I've been introducing you in a lot more details to the clarity steps. This is the seven step process that you can use to achieve any of your goals without jeopardizing your mental health. One of the key differences with the clarity steps for achieving your goals, versus all of the traditional ways of achieving your goals. Is to identify and resolve the obstacles.
In many of the other ways that we've achieved goals in the past, we would just push through it. We do some work arounds. Maybe we try to use shame as a motivator and just like push through those obstacles. Well, that's not what the clarity steps it's about. Your mental health is the most important thing.
No matter what your goal is, it can be in life, relationships or business. Your mental health is the most important.
So identifying and resolving the obstacles is key for that. Once you've resolved your obstacles, achieving your goal is super easy. There are two different types of obstacles.
That's it. Just two. In this week's episode, we're going to talk about mindset obstacles. And in next week's episode, we're going to get more into the process obstacles to clarify what is the difference between a mindset obstacle versus a process obstacle.
If you've been listening to some of my earlier podcast mindset is just like this big bag of thoughts and beliefs that we have been carrying around. We've been collecting this our whole life when we were kids. A lot of those thoughts and beliefs were donated to us and we put them into our big old bag of thoughts, our mindset, and we carry this around with us our whole life.
So then when a circumstance happens, that trigger, that causes our brain to start thinking. Our brain wants to be highly efficient. So it's going to grab something out of our mindset. This big bag of thoughts and beliefs we've been collecting. And it's going to quickly apply that thought so that we can go on and process the rest of it, right?
Our brains are meaning making machines.
While oftentimes in our mindset, we have some outdated or really unhelpful thoughts or beliefs. When we collected that thought or belief, it might've been helpful at the time, but now here it is, years later, maybe decades later, it's not so helpful anymore.
It might even not really be relevant to that particular circumstance that we're facing, but our brains just trying to be efficient, just grabbing these old things. Throw it in there, so that we can get on and know what actions to take.
Mindset obstacles happen when we are pulling out some of those thoughts and beliefs that are not going to help us get the results that we actually want. It's just that automatic response. So we need to find those thoughts and beliefs that are not helping us and either get rid of them or find an alternative.
Okay. So that's mindset and mindset obstacles that can get in the way of our goals.
Now a process obstacle is different. A process is just step-by-steps. What things do you do? What actions do you take to get from here to there? What sequence are you doing it in? And then all of the how, right. So this can have all of the quality, the time, all of the little details, everything. So process obstacle happens when we don't even know the steps. We haven't thought about them to like plan them out. We don't have them in the right sequence or the house in there. We don't know how or the, how that we're using is not really serving us well, that's the difference between process obstacle.
It's more of like the actions that we're taking, the words that we're saying versus the mindset.
Mindset is how we're thinking about it.
Now all of our thoughts control our feelings and our actions. Our processes are always the actions that we take. And since our thoughts create our feelings, which create our actions, the process obstacles usually come after we've had those thoughts.
So if we're having a mindset obstacle, it could lead to a process obstacle.
So sometimes it's easier to start with the process obstacle. And then after awhile we realize, wait a minute, this is a lot more than just process obstacle. There's a mindset obstacle in front of this. That's causing all of this process obstacle.
So that is why today we're going to start first just with mindset obstacles.
The purpose of today's episode is just to show you what can these process obstacles look like? So we're not going to resolve these. We're just going to look at how is our brain processing some different things. And how does that lead to our results?
I'm going to share with you a total of six examples. I'm going to give you two examples in each of our three categories that we love to talk about our authenticity, our relationships, and our business.
All of the examples that I'm going to share with you are either my own personal examples or examples that my clients have brought up recently.
So let's start with authenticity. If you have a goal about being your authentic self, of being unshakable around other people, other situations that you're always showing up representing who you really are and honoring everything that's unique about you.
I'm going to share two different examples of when there could be a challenge to our authenticity.
So as much as I don't like to talk about politics, politics has become such a big issue for everybody. And it has definitely challenged people in their authenticity. It's very relevant right now. I know a lot of people are struggling with this. There's two main political groups in the United States, and there's a lot of stereotyping being said about each of those groups.
When you are an individual and things are being said (sterotypes), they don't match who you are.
That can definitely be a challenge to you. You might think, Hey, this, this isn't me. Don't talk about me this way, that it doesn't represent me, right?
You are your own authentic self.
So in this first example, again, I'm going to just use it as if it was my example, scrolling through social media. I see a post that a friend in my political party has posted. Now, the things that they have said don't necessarily represent the viewpoint that I have. So I might start having some thoughts that the words that my friend has posted is going to create some unrest and that people are going to associate me with that person. And I don't want that to happen. So that's going to make me feel pretty angry, maybe a little bit anxious too. So how I might respond. So this is, you know, when we're not managing our brain, when we're just letting it flow naturally, we see the post.
We don't agree with it. We're worried that people are gonna associate us with it. We're worried that it's creating unrest in the world. We feel a little angry. So my response would be that I make a comment. And then eventually what happens is back and forth comments between me and the person who has posted it. And it starts to escalate. Now, my result from this is that I have unrest for the rest of the day. I'm feeling pretty upset, maybe anxious. Now the whole rest of my day, that has nothing to do with that post on social media gets affected. Because I'm already frazzled from what has happened. Plus now my name is directly associated with that person, right? So they made the post. I'm worried that I'm going be associated with them. But what has happened is that now I am associated with them because I put my name out there by commenting on it.
Circumstance: Social Media friend made a political post.
Thought: This is going to cause unrest. I don't want to be associated with them.
Actions: Exchange escalating posts back and forth. Receive additional private messages from others about what I posted.
Result: My name is associated with that person and the political post. I feel unrest the remainder of the day.
And I had the fear that they were going to create unrest. But the result was actually a shared result is that between that post and me responding and then us going back and forth, we've created unrest for each other. I know that I was having unrest for the whole day. The other person's having unrest. Other people that saw it were having unrest because they were commenting or sending direct messages. So when we write all of this out and we see it happening, we can see the connection between our thoughts that, Oh, no, this is going to cause unrest. And I don't want to be associated with this person. That's creating unrest that we have created that for us. Right? So this is the whole thing with unintentional thinking, what you think is going to be, is what results.
If we want a different result, we have to have different thinking.
The next example is for anyone that is worried about turning into their mother or to their father. And I know that this is a common theme that comes up. I hear it from many of my clients. So in this particular example, again, I'm just going to use myself as, you know, to say the different parts of this so that we can see it and experience it from a first person perspective.
So a circumstance could be that my mother has a way that she interacts with my family. And I would be a lot more specific about that. Like the words that she says, or the actions that she takes. Now, the thoughts that I might have about that is that I don't want them to think I'm like my mother. And if they did that, they'd probably cut me out of their life because I might see that also going on with my mother and the rest of our family is they start to cut her out because they don't like her actions and her words.
So the feeling that I would have, if I'm thinking that they'll assume that I'm like her and they'll cut me out too, is feeling pretty hopeless. From there, an action that I would take is to retreat from my family. Right. I don't want them to think that I'm like her. I'm just going to step back. And then the result that I end up with is that I've cut myself away from my family. Like I didn't have to wait for them to do it. I did it myself and they never get a chance to know the real me.
Circumstance: My mother's words or actions.
Thought: I don't want my family to think I'm like her. They will cut me out of the family.
Action: Take a step back from being involved with the family. Do not have contact. Do not let them see the real me.
Result: I cut me out of the family
Right. I don't know who they really think I am, but I'm worried. They're going to think that I'm like my mom, but I don't give them the chance. I don't get them to see the authentic me or get to know me because I've cut myself out. So I've like rejected myself ahead of time so that they wouldn't reject me. It's really quite interesting to see how our thinking makes that happen. If I was worried they were going to cut me out and then I cut myself out.
So when we're thinking about our authenticity, if we have a goal around that, that we want people to know us for, who we truly are, then we have to pick some thoughts that align with that, right? We can't control the circumstances of the world, but we can definitely control our thinking about that because all of our feelings and our actions and our results are going to flow naturally from our thoughts.
So we need to pick some really good thoughts around how great we feel about our own authenticity, so that we can have those results that we're looking for.
Let's go on to relationships. So for all of my friends out there that have a goal around having a healthy relationship together, right? So this can be a work relationship. It can be a romantic relationship or relationship between you and your family. You know, parents, your siblings, your kids, any of that. So goal around relationship, healthy relationship together.
So this one came up during our men's support group that I run every Wednesday night. That's a free support group that you can join by joining the men's feelings matter Facebook group. Or you can join directly from my website at My Freedom Grove.
And this was a common thing that would come up even for myself, right? When you're in a relationship there's different tasks, especially if you live in the same home. So there's chores that need to get done. And sometimes we do the chores and we don't feel that other people have appreciated us for doing those chores.
So in this specific example, and I will definitely use myself for this because I have experienced this in the past. And I have worked on my thoughts so that I can feel better about this so that I can have healthy relationships. So if we consider a circumstance where I took out the trash and nobody said anything, I might have some thoughts that pop up thinking, nobody appreciates me. If I'm having those thoughts that nobody appreciates me, I'm gonna start to feel resentment, resentment towards them, resentment towards me for actually doing these things without anybody saying thank you. So the actions that I might have from that is that I would ruminate. I would bring up all of the thoughts in my head, all memories about all of the different things that I did and how nobody ever said, thank you. I might find myself muttering under my breath or doing little bit of passive aggressive stuff, or I might just be distant and not talk to the other person, especially if I'm caught up in thinking about all those memories of all the times that I did stuff before and never got a thank you.
So the result that I get was that I didn't actually get to enjoy my time with them. But more importantly, I didn't appreciate my own efforts at taking out the trash.
Circumstance: I took out the trash. Nobody said anything to me.
Thought: They don't appreciate me.
Actions: Have thought swirls about all of the things I have done in the past without a thank you. Distance myself from them. Do a few passive agressive gestures.
Result: Day full of angry swirl. I don't appreciate my own efforts.
This one was, uh, a pretty big one for me before. Was that if I wasn't even appreciating my efforts, that definitely proved the thought that nobody appreciates me. Nobody was saying, thank you, including me. I created that result because I was so focused on everybody else thanking me that I forgot that I could also be part of that in thanking me.
So I created that result of nobody appreciating me. That was definitely a mindset obstacle.
Moving on to the next one. This one, Oh my gosh, hot button topic for the last several years. This involves that term... Narcissist.
There's support groups out there with thousands of people in it. You hear the term being thrown around towards all sorts of people and for all sorts of different actions that they're doing.
Some of it could be something as simple as just like taking a selfie of themselves and putting it out on social media. Sometimes it's a lot more extreme than that. In this particular example. And this one has come up for multiple clients that I've had, the circumstance that they're facing is that their significant other, and in some cases, this is a parent has said some words to them where they're expressing that their own needs are not getting met. So this is the significant other saying, I need help with this, or you're not helping me with this. It could be a parent. That's saying, you're not considering my side of this. You're not considering what I need. You're not considering my feelings. So if any of that sounds familiar, that's what I'm talking about.
And the thought that many of my clients would come up with, or that I have come up with at one point in my life was that that person was a narcissist and they don't care about others. For me, this was really painful. I didn't even have that term narcissist in my life. It wasn't until a therapist had actually presented it to me and started telling me different people in my life were a narcissist. And that's when all of a sudden I had all of this pain.
So the thought they're a narcissist and they don't care about others. That left feelings of sadness or even disgust at that person. It depends on, you know, who you are as a person. Some of us tend to have a default emotion of sadness. Some people have default emotions of disgust. Some are just like anger or outrage. And then in an action, it could be to leave. Leave the presence of the other person or cut them out of your life. Tell other people that that person is a narcissist and that your needs are never met.
So that one is a really big one. Is when you're not only saying that the other person is a narcissist, but how they never considered your needs. I see this one a lot, especially in the support groups that are out there. So the results that happen though. So we're thinking about the results for us as a person. So if we're labeling someone in our life as a narcissist, and we're now starting to tell other people that they're narcissist and that our needs never got met, the result is that we get attention for ourselves and empathy. Which can feel pretty good. Empathy always feels pretty good, but you also get the, you don't care about the other person's feelings and you don't get to enjoy the relationship together.
Circumstance: Significant person says "My needs are not getting met"
Thought: They are a narcissist. They don't care about my feelings.
Feelings: Sadness, disgust or anger.
Actions: Tell other people "Significant person is a narcissist". Receive empathy and attention from others.
Result: You get your needs met and don't care about their's (same behavior you were accusing them of doing)
So here's the interesting thing. The thought that you originally had was that the other person was a narcissist and that they don't care about others.
So a narcissist typically is someone that is trying to get attention for themselves. And so your result was that you got attention for yourself and that you weren't showing that you cared about the other person's feelings.
This one can definitely be a mindset obstacle. And a mind bender is what I like to call it. Because when you see like that of, Hey, wait a minute. If a narcissist is someone that is trying to get attention, and they're saying that their needs aren't met and that they don't care about other people. And now when you look at it out on a piece of paper and you're like, wait a minute, I just did the exact same thing. Does that mean I'm a narcissist too. That's where it gets really mind-bendy. It's like, well, maybe the problem isn't that you're a narcissist or that they are narcissist.
It's on focusing on the label itself, right? That label there. And narcissist is just a thought, it's an optional thought. You can have any thought that you want to, but this one definitely creates a mindset obstacle.
It creates a lot of pain. The actions don't serve either of you to get to your ultimate goal of having a healthy relationship together.
So there are things that we do together to anchor down on the specific actions and the specific words that the other person took. And then how do you work through with that so that you can get to the goal of having a healthy relationship together.
Now let's move on to our business topic. So if you have a goal of being a business owner or an employee of a viable business, that delivers great value, then these are going to be some really great examples for you. And who doesn't want to have a viable business, especially in this pandemic?
We're seeing even as an employee, if the business that we work for is not viable, the business closes down and we end up out of a job. And it's really hard as an employee to think about the viability of the business. I know, even from my own perspective, many times I've gone into a business, just assuming that they had a huge pot of money and that they should always be able to take care of me as an employee.
But what we've definitely seen, all of us have seen, and experienced this in the last year, is that businesses don't have a big pot of money. Some of them do. But most of them don't. Most of them are also living on a budget and they have to have money come in, in order for money to go out. To either themselves as the business owner or to their employees.
And we all have to keep a roof over our head. We all have ourselves, maybe some family that we need to support. We have bills. We need to eat food, all of that. So it's really important to all of us that the business itself can be viable.
And we of course want to be delivering great value, right? If we're not delivering great value, none of the customers are going to want to come and buy the stuff that the business is offering. So let's take a look at this very first example.
So in this one, a customer comes in with a request. So this can be in any type of business, right? Customers come in with a request. They want something. Now, if you are in an industry where you have a little bit more flexibility with the things that you provide, so it could be a service, maybe it's a food product. Maybe it is, a product, but it's a time dependent product. So it's something that you could go on and do, for a little bit longer. If you chose to, this one could definitely come up that you want to treat that customer well. You want to give them as much as you can, Because you really want to give that customer value. You want to let them know that they're very important to you, and it always feels good to be generous, right?
So you might have a thought that I don't want them to think that I'm just in this for the money, right? And even as an employee, you might want to try to represent your company in a way where it's like, no, we really want to take care of our customers, right? So if we're having that thought, we might be having feelings of being generous, depending on some of your default thought pathways, the way that you think about that.
I don't want them to think I'm in this for the money. It could actually bring up some feelings of being ashamed. That if you ask for money, that they're going to think that you're only in it for the money. Okay? So hopefully you can see those two different kinds of distinctions. So the action coming from either feeling generous or feeling ashamed is to fill the request.
You don't ask for money and you might even justify it for yourself and say in your head, I did the right thing.
The result that you've created though, is that you didn't create any money, any revenue. So you're not going to be able to be in business because you need to have a viable business. You need to be able to generate revenue in order to stay in business. So if you have that thought, I don't want them to think I'm in this for the money. And your result is you didn't create any money. Then you have achieved your thought.
Circumstance: Customer made a request for product/service.
Thought: I don't want them to think I'm just in this for the money.
Feeling: Ashamed or generous.
Action: Provide product/service for free. Do not accept any revenue.
Result: Business has no revenue. Business is not in it for the money. Business not in business.
They don't think that you're in it for the money. So you've created that result for you, for yourself, for your business, that you're not going to have that revenue coming in. Your clients are not going to think that they need to pay you. And ultimately, if you keep doing this same exact thought pattern, you're not going to have the revenue to stay and meet your goal of being a viable business.
All right, now the next one, and this one has come up recently and I've seen this at work in the past. And I have definitely felt this both when I worked in the corporate environment and also as an entrepreneur. So you may have a circumstance where you have a work audience, right? So if you are working in a corporate environment, you might have a work meeting that's going on. Or you might have a town hall where you're conducting it.
You're standing up in front of a large group of people and talking. If you're an entrepreneur, you might have a workshop that you're leading or, a group session in some way, or, you know, some type of a service. So you have an audience they're all there to participate. You're part of the conversation. You're not the only part of the conversation. You're just a section of it. Okay. So if you have a thought, I have to share my knowledge and insights so that they know I'm valuable. Hmm, does that one resonate at all?
When I ask you, because it might not resonate with everybody. They might not get it. But if you can imagine that you're there, let's say you're sitting in a team meeting and everybody is talking. Do you ever feel that urge? Like I'm just sitting here and I'm not contributing, or they don't know that I'm important to like, all of those are thoughts and it can lead to this type of a thought that I have to share my knowledge and insights so that they know that I'm valuable.
If you're an entrepreneur and you have clients that have come to you and you're providing some type of a service and you're sitting there and they're doing all of the talking, you might think that you're not contributing value because you're just sitting there.
So if you have that thought, I have to share my knowledge and insights so they know I'm valuable. You might have a feeling of urgency. The actions that you might take might be to interrupt them, take more than your allotted time in order to share your knowledge and your insights, you might end up sharing more than what was really needed at that moment. The result that you end up with is a diluted, valuable contribution. What I mean by this is that the value that you needed to deliver right there might've been something that didn't require any of your time. You just being there might have been the valuable thing, or you just contributing two minutes of your knowledge might've been the valuable thing.
So if you spent more time delivering more information, then that has diluted your value. So instead of 100% valuable, it might've been 10% valuable because you have that little bit of value, whole lot of talking, and that this has been delivered in a way that for the collective audience, you included, it has been an expense for you. For your time, meaning that you didn't value their time and you didn't value your time. So when you have that thought, I have to share my knowledge and insight so that they know I'm valuable. You ended up showing that you weren't totally valuable.
Circumstance: I am present with co-workers, employees or clients.
Thought: I must contribute my knowledge so they know I am valuable.
Action: Interrupt. Talk for extended amount of time. Contribute more than what was required at that moment.
Result: Provided diluted value. They don't know your pure value.
So it's all connected there. You want to concentrate the value for everybody in the room. If you have a goal of owning or working for a viable business, that gives great value. You need to have thoughts about business value and customer value, thoughts about ourselves.
They tend to creep in and they create all sorts of funky feelings for us and actions that don't create the results that we actually want. It's not always obvious that we're having mindset obstacles. And it can feel pretty offensive when people come up and they say, Nope, you're wrong about how you're thinking or that it's all in your head. Like if you're trying to explain something as a problem, it's always better. If you come to the realization on your own that you have a mindset obstacle.
So remember I said, whenever you're trying to go towards a goal that there's always either a mindset obstacle or a process obstacle, it might be easier just like on your own feelings to start off with a process obstacle, explore that one to see, but you might discover in that process that you had a mindset obstacle.
And just speaking from my own personal experience, when I've taken the time to look into my mindset obstacles, it feels like I'm not actually doing action to move my goal forward. But the reality is whenever I resolved my mindset obstacles, I end up going so much faster.
Because I can pick the process obstacles and the resolution around it that are so much faster. Because a lot of times, if we have that mindset obstacle, we're doing a lot of extra processing, right? We're adding in extra steps, we're doing work arounds so that we can accommodate our mindset obstacle. So oftentimes if you want to go faster in your goal, be open to consider that there might be mindset obstacles, and then explore that and resolve it. Because you might be able to get a huge amount of traction in like 10 minutes from resolving a mindset obstacle, instead of two weeks, trying to resolve a process obstacle.
When we work together, I let you explore both possibilities. So I use this whiteboard and I draw out all of the different tools. I ask a bunch of questions. I'll ask first, do you want to try a process obstacle? Or do you want to try a mindset obstacle?
Now I might have an idea of which one would be better for you, but I always allow you to decide first. If you want me to help you and say, Nope, I think this would be the fastest way. Of course, I'm going to share that with you. But I always want to honor your own decisions and where you want to go with this. So on a white board, I'll take you through the different tools and I'll ask you a bunch of questions so that you can tell yourself basically all of the answers.
I write everything out on the board so that you can see it. Because when we have everything just stuck in our brain... Whether that's mindset or our process stuff, it makes it a lot harder to be able to be objective and to see all of it, right?
In our brain, if you've ever tried to think about what does your brain on the inside look like? It might seem kind of dark. You know, so trying to find all of the pieces in the dark is really hard. But when you put it out on a white board, it's bright, you can see it. It's a lot more objective and you can move the pieces around. I had one of the members of my group coaching program tell me last week, your whiteboard looks like my brain. It was so funny because yeah, there was stuff all over the white board. It's not always super clean, but it is an accurate representation of our brain. And so we might start off with a whole bunch of stuff, and then we start to clean it up.
And that in a sense is also cleaning up all of your brain or cleaning up all of your processes so that you can see it. You can put it in more orderly fashion. You can make choices on what's really going to serve you well.
Using the clarity steps, it helps you to find all of those obstacles. Then using all of the different tools. We resolve all of those obstacles. So it gets you back on your feet and moving quickly.
In this episode, we explored the mindset obstacles. And in next week, we're going to go over process obstacles in a little bit more detail. I'll share a couple of the tools with you around process obstacles. But if you would like to learn more about the clarity steps process and all of the different steps in it, including obstacles and the tools that I use. Then I'd like to invite you to set up a free consultation with me.
You can go to my website myfreedomgrove.com/contactme and set up a free consultation. I'll walk you through how it all works. You can tell me what it is. That is your goal. What's the stuff that you want to work on. Or if you already know some of your obstacles and you're like, Hey, I just want to resolve obstacles. We can talk about that too. So remember just go to the contact me tab on My Freedom Grove website. Set up a free consultation, and we will get started on talking about all your stuff.
All right. My strong friends. I hope that you have a wonderful week and I will talk to you again next week. Bye-bye.
Thank you for listening to My Freedom Grove podcast. I can't wait to work with you directly. I'll help you to be your authentic self, to have amazing relationships and to live your purpose. I invite you to check out unshakable men and unshakable women. The unshakable programs will give you all of the tools, the coaching and the community to help you rise in life, relationships, and business. To learn more, go to myfreedomgrove.com/work with me. I can't wait to see you there.
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